(no subject)

I would never blame the victim or tell people how they should dress but if men don’t want to be murdered by misandrists they shouldn’t go around looking like cis-scum and we can’t really end murder so maybe men shouldn’t go out at night or without a woman to protect them.

Just saying.

Fake Geek Boys

I know that there are guys that genuinely are into comic books and gaming, but we all know that most of them are just pretending so they can get attention from women.

Just because you can buy and play a videogame doesn’t make you a gamer. You post these videos of yourselves on YouTube unwrapping your “swag” because you’re attention seeking whores and then when you actually start playing the game you spend all your time trying to flirt with us real gamers.

Then there are you guys that cosplay. You tramp around conventions in costumes of characters we both know you know nothing about because men don’t read comic books. No offense, but even if you are “reading” you aren’t doing it the same way we real fans are; studies have shown that men think about sex every seven seconds, so you are just physically unable to concentrate and comprehend what women can. And while we’re on the subject of physicality… I know you guys saw The Avengers and you want to impress us, but you cannot pull off Thor or Hawkeye… Most of you are too fat and ugly to pull off Jabba the Hutt.

Look, I don’t want to be mean but you guys would probably be more comfortable doing things that come naturally to you, like putting balls through hoops or in holes, or hitting each other in the torso while rubbing your genitals against each other. You could always do something useful like get a job, considering that biologically and statistically all you are really good for in our world is maintaining industrialization. We women will continue to maintain our species, cultures, spiritualities, fostering the importance of education and art, etc. Meanwhile, you can read comic books and play video games if you want, but keep it to yourself and stop being so desperate for our vaginas.


The "thing" about Linens 'n Things is that I shit in the bed

I don’t want to come off as weird or nervous but this is my first job interview and I can tell that some of the things my resume may be coming off as a little confusing to you?

Maybe we could run down things together?

Now, the reason I left gender blank is because although I am a man I was raised as a girl up until I was 15. My dad is really into psychology and Sigmund Freud is a favorite of his so he didn’t want to have a boy because he was afraid I might start fucking my mom. I’m sure you’re wondering, why they didn’t just abort me? Well, my parents are really in to canning vegetables and my mom read somewhere that if you dice carrots and seal them up in a condom or something and store them in your vagina is good for curing cancer, or preventing cancer, or something like that so my mom did that but went swimming right after and when she dived into the pool it all sucked up inside of her and she couldn’t get it out and then when she got pregnant she didn’t realize it because she thought it was the carrots inside of her messing with her period and shit.
There’s this really funny story about my birth that the doctor described as a salad shooter, but I’m sure you don’t really want to hear it.

Anyway, so, I was raised as a girl and because I was home schooled and never learned the differences between men and women until I was finally allowed on the internet; and of course I did what all teenage girls do, I started talking to elderly men on the internet who would send me gifts in exchange for nude pictures of myself and one day one of the men commented on how large my clitoris was… long story short, I found out I’m a dude.

Also, I don’t really believe in labels so it would rather leave that blank if you don’t mind.

Obviously I don’t have any references or a lot of job experience since I just got my GED, but I do have some special skills so I put those down instead.

Number one: I can use Excel
Number two: I know a little bit of Spanish, mostly stuff I’ve picked up from Guatemalan porn 
Number three: I’m a people person

This is all listed under the question about investigations about child abuse, yeah, right there. None of your staff would give me one of your applications so I had to use one from the Big Brother program next-door; but it was no problem, I hang out there most of the time anyway. It’s a great place to be transient hookers, you know, before they actually become transient hookers.

And while I’m thinking of it, I can’t give you a urine sample, suffice to say it also has to do with my mother’s canning.

There shall be no big tits in my comic book, unless they are on men with big dicks

In the latest episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force (whatever the fuck calling it now) Meatwad makes his own comic book and it got me thinking, if I was going to write a comic book, what would it be about?

Obviously the aesthetic has to be industrial and, maybe not post apocalyptic, but certainly dystopian. I didn't spend my childhood ritualistically watching the Terminator movies to grow up and not live in a wasteland, or at least contribute to the genre.

I also didn't spend my childhood obsessing over the X-Men to not rip them off as soon as my fictional turn to write a comic book came up.

I like the evolution aspect to the X-Men but I think it would be interesting to flip it so that the stronger, more adaptable branch of human evolution are the mundane ones. I wrote a short story a couple years ago titled "Don't Kill the Rich" in which Western society had such a rift between the wealthy and the poor that the two groups had completely different medical care and were exposed to completely different agents. The poor continued to be vaccinated, where as the rich concentrated on green and holistic alternatives; subsequently the rich class developed autoimmune diseases and died off, and the poor were so uneducated and untrained in anything but menial tasks that they were quickly creating a dystopia for themselves.

I would frame the comic book within this premise and have my version of X-Men be a group of these poor, adaptable humans fighting against what is left of the rich who control the government, the media, and all industries while they fight amongst themselves to survive.

Write A Book, Eat A Dick

Literature used to be art. It used to be unregulated and respected in all its forms; but that was a very long time ago. Thank God for copyright infringement laws and pretentious assholes to put a stop to all of that.

We teach our children that Shakespeare was one man (emphasis on “one” and “man”) who, in his brilliance, wrote the tombs of stories which we shoved down their throats in school off the top of his head. We do this not only so they don’t ask difficult questions about what constitutes ownership and whether monetary value can really be placed and controlled over an art form but also to keep them in a shameful state over the petty fanfic they write. You and I know that it would be too dangerous to explain to them that originally many people wrote under the same name (Shakespeare being one of many) and that lifting someone else’s previous work (even verbatim) and putting it into your current story didn’t cause a lash to bat.

I have beat to death the issues of small press versus corporations versus independent writers so I’ll spare you on that note and concentrate on the aspect of fan fiction.

It is ridiculous to me that anyone looks down on fanfic writers. Originally there was no such thing, they were simply known as writers and there was nothing wrong with appropriating pre-existing characters and stories. If this had not been so, we would have no semblance of what literature is now or any of our iconic stories. The only reason we’re in the situation we’re in now where we constantly battle over who did what first and how alike things are is because of greed and corporate corruption.

It is not righteous pride over which makes you feel outraged that someone would, in an appreciation for your work, take a character or story you personally developed and put time, energy, and love into giving them another manifestation; there is nothing righteous about this sort of pride. It also can’t be about the money because fanfic is written and distributed for free, so perhaps what really unnerves you is that other people can take what you did and do it better?

And no need to ask me about how I would feel as the victim of copyright infringement because I’ve gotten this question before and my answer has never wavered: if someone enjoys my work enough to continue on to it I would be honored, and if they find somehow to make money off of it my hat is off to them. I understand that unlike many people I am not concerned with making a profit or my sales ranking and this is a privileged position to take. I do, I get it. What I do not get is why you don’t seem to understand that fanfic writers are giving you invaluable promotion that no amount of free bookmarks and exhausting book signings can get you.

In conclusion, stop being such a dick.

"incest is best, put your brother to the test"

Did everybody love The Avengers movie?

Well, you're no true fan if you don't know about the huge fandom that has grown around the coupling of Thor and Loki. Fangirls have been hard at work creating extravagant pieces of art in which these two brothers pork the shit out of each other, but it has left a minority of the community with a bad taste in their mouths and it may very well tare us apart... So, I wrote this open letter to the naysayers:

Dear everyone who is disgusted by Thorki,

You are quite right to argue that the fact Loki is adopted should make no difference in the discussion of incest, considering the two men grew up together and spent their whole lives knowing each other to be brothers. I won't argue against this but unfortunately, on that note, there is some scientific research that may leave you a little sick to your stomach… It's not exactly relevant to this discussion but it's an interesting fact: There is a phenomenon known as GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) in which relatives who are closely blood related can be overly sexually drawn to each other if they meet as adults, as opposed to genetically related individuals who have formed connections and bonds as youths. Some individuals who have taken part (quite bravely) in studies on GSA described the sexual and emotional bonds to be so intense and all-encompassing that they feel like victims to this genetic phenomenon.

Just think of how raunchy Thor and Loki would be if they were blood relatives who were united as adults. Thank whatever Gods you worship that this isn't the case.

Speaking of Gods…

I think the best defense for this ship is that the comic and subsequent movie(s) are based off of Mythology. Thor and Loki, two unrelated beings, copulating may not be canon but it is so vanilla by mythological standards that the other gods are looking at them mockingly for lack of sexual deviance. I think everyone is quite aware at this point that the mythological Loki gave birth to a wide variety of animals and men; he is no stranger to getting some strange on the side, so the least we can allow him it's some familiar as well.

The fact people have issue with Thorki makes me gravely concerned with the lack of education on Mythology in our society; Joseph Campbell is rolling over in his grave.

And who do you think created these myths in the first place? These extravagant sagas of love and betrayal? These exciting tales of men giving birth and their penises being forcibly removed (shout out to Osiris)? It was our foremothers; the original fangirls. Men justified the rise and fall of the sun and changing of the seasons by attributing the majesty of it all to powerful beings that lived above the clouds and within the caves and then the women said "And also they fuck around on each other a lot."

I don't like people who constantly quote famous figures in casual conversation.

They do it to appear well read and educated, but to me it's a sign that they spend all of their time overly concerned with how people perceive them instead of actually developing their own personality, spirituality, and intellect.

If someone "casually" quotes a historical figure to me in conversation I respond with a fake one to counter their argument.

"Abraham Lincoln once said: A house divided against itself cannot stand."

"And this other time he said: Do you ever get that thing that when you're pissing the piss shoots off into two different directions, and so, like, you have a V of piss? What does that? Is there something stuck in there?"

"Abraham Lincoln never said that."

"Yeah, he did. It was at Waterloo or something."

"I don't want to be your friend anymore."

"Mission accomplished."

Look for my new show this December 21st 2012, check your local listings and the Mayan calendar

I'm thinking about starting my own pageant that judges women on what we're inherently good at.

For instance, one round all the contestants will be on the stage with a guy who has recently been broken up with. Whoever can stand there and listen to his emotional bull shit the longest wins.

The final round will be a cage match, a Battle Royale sort of thing. I'll put plenty of weapons in the middle but no one's allowed to use them on each other, the competition will be for the contestants to shame and degrade each other into suicide and the last one standing wins.

I know the modeling competitions are everyone's favorites part so I'm trying to think of what a good alternative for that would be. Maybe I'll have that heartbroken boy come back out and make the girls compete over how much of a wardrobe he'll buy for them with the least amount of sexual manipulation. We could, I don't know, do a runway and have Tim Gunn judge.

This is all still in the planning stages but if any philanthropists want in on it contact me soon.

My vagina aint' handicapped, but my TV is

Sundance is airing a show called "Push Girls" about chicks in wheelchairs...sounds like the perfect thing for me to get all judgey about, thus we have my:

Push Girls Sneak Preview

I just watched the sneak preview and it’s pretty much what I assumed it would be.

None of the women are disabled because of genetic diseases, all had their lower half paralyzed later in life, 12 being the youngest. All are thin, conventionally fashionable, and work out but I was surprised one woman, Tiffany, is pansexual. I was hoping that for once a wheelchair user on TV would be something other than paralyzed but didn’t expect it. Genetic diseases tend to make people move, look, and live in ways that isn’t beautiful enough for TV.

Speaking of living, Mia talked about how people assumed she either lived with someone or someone had to come to her home to help her with things. She spoke of it in this prideful way, as if it was insulting that anyone would think that. That does nothing good for my self-esteem as someone who needs in-home care. Tiffany also expressed an annoyance for the assumption people who are in a wheelchair stays at home all day, in sweats, playing video games…which also describes me. Thanks for shaming me, Push Girls.

Mia also spoke of how it’s important to look good so society sees you are making an effort…I assume you, dear reader, know how disgusting this sentiment is and I needn’t stress myself by explaining it.

The whole of the clips were either the women working out, drinking, or obnoxiously and loudly hitting on men passing by (save for at the end where they did a montage of drama clips) The intention is “See, these women care about their looks, can have sex, and are horny…just like normal women!” So at least they aren’t only offending disabled people, they want to hurt women in general.

Oh, but don’t worry men, they tried to stick it to you too! They broke the myth that these women don’t have to date disabled men and, in fact, prefer not to, thus reinforcing the non-sexually attractive and/or active stigma you have.

(It should be noted that over sexualizing women is a problem and over sexualizing disabled women is an even bigger one given the high rates of rape and molestation against us that are recorded…not to mention the estimated numbers that go unreported and the fact these statistics are reported (when they rarely are) not as crimes against the victim but a crime against society, thus further dehumanizing the victim)

But it wasn’t all bad.

I did love to see Tiffany get stuck on a curb, almost falling over, and needing help. I don’t say this in a malicious way, but it was one of the few things shown that I related to.

I also like Angela. She is intelligent and mature and needs in-home care. I hope I can keep liking her once I see the full episodes.